I just want my Cheerios

Well I have to admit when I let to readers vote on what they wanted me to write about I had already pretty much made the decision to write about Twilight Mania. It's just too easy to make fun of, I couldn't resist. And since I want to work for Chelsea Handler I figure the more of my material she has to look at the better, so here goes.

I first heard about Twilight a few years ago when youngsters everywhere started posting about it on FB. I figured it was the next Harry Potter craze and having gone through the phase back when I was in Elementary school, I assumed it was nothing for me to get excited about. Boy was I wrong. As I walked around campus over the next few weeks I started realizing that people my age were reading the books. Not only were they reading the books, they were talking about it, posting about it, and yes, even making shirts. I mean are we seriously picking teams on who we like better where our choices are a vampire and a werewolf? First of all neither of these things actually exist. I don't know if people realize this but there are no such things as vampires with diamond skin and hot guys that turn into werewolves. Phew, I needed to get that off my chest.

As things usually do, I figured that the craze would die down once everyone read all the books and moved on to thinking the toothfairy was real. Wrong again. There I was minding my own business when I hear the words I had been dreading..."The Twilight Saga will be made into a movie. Bella will be played my Kristen Stewart, Edward played by Rob Pattinson, and Jacob portrayed by Taylor Lautner." Oh geez. At this point no one really knew who any of these people were, including myself. If I would have known that K-Stew was actually the princess of darkness and R-Patz was a spitting image of the folk here on library lawn I would have moved out of the country. All you have to do to get a part in Hollywood these days is to awkwardly hold your body in a hunched over position, not wash your hair for weeks at a time, and act like you don't care that you're making a million bucks a movie about freaking vampires?? I can do that. Hire me.

Aside from hiring the worst actors of all time to play supernatural creatures, you can't walk in any store without seeing shirts, hats, sunglasses, posters, and shampoo (yes, I am serious) that have one of the vamp/wolf faces on them. I would just like to do my grocery shopping in peace and not have to see Kristen's dirty scowl next to my Yogurt Burst Cheerios. No, I would not like to buy body wash that makes my skin sparkle like vampire skin, but thanks for making me hate Wal-Mart even more than I already do. And also if I fangs I would, wait who am I kidding? I would never want fangs. But the people to make plastic fangs seem to think most of America wants them seeing as how there is a whole aisle devoted to vampire gear.

Thank you Twilight, for not only taking away from my shopping experience, but for also taking up at least half of my E! News coverage. I don't need a 15 minute update every night that covers the exact same thing you covered yesterday and will undoubtably be covering again tomorrow. Now, I have to honest and say that I attempted to watch the first movie and then got distracted and couldn't finish it. I have yet to see the second but assume I will need to rent it before i go see the third installment that comes out next week since I refused to read the books. I need to see what all the fuss is about. If the movie is really as good as everyone says it is, I will personally retract everything I have written today and apologize to everyone who is a Twihard. So impress me Eclipse, because otherwise I don't think I'll be able to go to Wal-Mart anymore. And I really love those Cheerios.